Wednesday, February 19, 2020

PETER PAN

The experience of long years working with both myself and other men has taught me that in every man there is an impish little Peter Pan who refuses to grow up. The lively side of our Peter Pan is the cheerful adventurer who lives with a band of other boys in NeverNeverLand and whose friend, inspiration and guide is Tinkerbell, the peripatetic fairy disguised as a dancing ball of light. This Peter's destiny in life is to do sword-and-dagger battle with the wicked Captain Hook, in a perpetual battle with his Bad Dad. In every man he's the spirit of adventure and rebellion against everything in life that seeks to control us. More than anything, our Peter Pan asserts our freedom.

But there's a dark side to the refusal to grow up. Without some serious adult supervision, that rebellious little Peter Pan can easily become a tyrant. Instead of bringing joy and independence into our lives, he brings intransigence and the stubborn fear of change. He becomes an intemperate narcissist, and at his worst he makes his presence known in sullen brooding, temper tantrums and violence toward those within his reach, even those he loves and those who love him in return.

I found myself reflecting on both aspects of this Peter Pan today in my morning meditation. We need on the one hand to nurture and protect his impish spirit and his sense of freedom. Without adventure our lives descend into rote and dull routine. But we also need to guard against allowing his childish narcissism to rule our lives--and ruin other people's. Love him and hold him close when he needs comfort and understanding, but don't trust him to make good decisions or serve interests other than his own.

My own Peter (strange, is it not, that I share his name!) is the timid little boy from boarding school who learned how best to armor himself against bullying and abuse. His escape was going off by himself to chase butterflies and catch them with a net. My job as a man is to encourage little Peter to have fun chasing butterflies, and at the same time to remind him that he no longer needs the armor he once so successfully created. His grownup self is at his best when he feels safe in the knowledge that to open the heart is to invite love, and that vulnerability is a human asset rather than a liability.

Over the years I have had the privilege of encouraging other men to meet, sometimes to confront, and to come to terms with their Peter Pan. From time to time I find that I have slipped back into the spell of my own and need to remind myself that it is important to be vigilant and attentive to his wiles. Otherwise, even in my older years, I catch myself behaving like that little boy again, all tight and closed. And it's not to my advantage.

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