WANTING

The following is taken from a recent newsletter in Ken McLeod's "Unfettered Mind":

"The human realm is about wanting. You want this, you want that. You seek enjoyment, the feeling of fulfillment, warmth and relaxation that arises when your desires are satisfied. Without it, there is a sense that something is missing. Whether it's sexual desire, hunger, or thirst, that enjoyment does not last very long. When you buy something that you have wanted for a long time, enjoyment typically lasts three days. Three days! Maybe you enjoy status or recognition. Maybe you enjoy the feeling of safety, security, or fulfillment. The story is always the same—if I had this, I would be happy. But it's not true. You always want more of something, and if not more, then something different. There are many kinds of wanting, but there is no end to it."

Ken suggests a meditation practice in which we "observe and note how wanting and the struggle to be satisfied arises in you, and in others. In particularly, note the arising of like, dislike, and don't care in you. Note how they translate into attraction (wanting), aversion (wanting something else), and indifference (can't be bothered)."

I have embarked on this practice. I was surprised initially to find myself, so I thought, devoid of wants. I deemed myself above all that. Until the wants started to come flooding in: I want security and safety; I want reassurance that my life has been worth living; I want to feel atonement for the unskillful actions of my youth; I want food and shelter, warmth and material comfort; I want the sexual gratification I had as a young man, but which is now harder, sometimes impossible to achieve; I want to be loved, respected for my work and know that it is valued; I want my family to be safe at this time of crisis and rescued from life-threatening disease; I want to be spared the annoyance and discomfort of household chores; I want to be taken care of.

Adds Ken McLeod: "If you dig a little deeper, you may find that a sense of missing something pervades everything you experience, except for those brief moments when you find enjoyment. But if and when you find a respite from that missing, how long would you or could you stay there?"Thus, most painfully, after much searching, somewhere hidden deep inside beneath all those other layers of want, even now at the age of 83, I still found the voice of a little boy sent away from home who wants his mummy and his daddy.

I am discovering this is not an easy practice. It confronts me with sources of suffering that I am unaware of as I go about my daily life. Once I find them, though, and observe them with as much equanimity as I can muster, I find that I am able to return to that "resting in attention" to the breath that salves the otherwise bewildered and disquieted mind...